I Address the Homophobia Accusations… Later…

Well, here it finally is. I guess I’m just another indie comp sci douche bag with a minimalist blog on the internet. Part of it is I just really am kind of like a tech bro because I know how to self-host open-source software stacks, and all these template generated websites do look good, albeit the same. But the other half of me feels like I am just emulating my idols again. This website and whatever my “goal” really is still doesn’t feel true to myself, but Jesus what would satisfy my internal judgement? Perhaps rolling my own entire social media website? I can talk about that embarrassment later…

This morning, in the shower, I realized it’s good to have a raw unfiltered space like this. But I am going to come off too soul-destructive and self-hateful to be palatable. I am going to think about this more as I write a few articles, but for this one I will let it go wherever it wants. It would be too hard to describe right now the level of editorialization I am applying so I am mostly just being honest about what details I am skipping. Understated meta statement. But I hate all of this and I think it’s gay. 

I would like to write at least one thing each day. If not I’ll try to post some older things. Today I kept a note open on my phone where I jotted an outline of things I wanted to remember and write about. Why does this sound so stilted?

God this is just another one of those personal shitty blogs. I want this to be more than a gay secret journal where I chronicle how I hate myself and hated my childhood. Hopefully it will actually be comedy bits and audio segments, maybe some music that I make. I haven’t put anything under the membership section and probably won’t for a long time—not until it’s worthy. It feels delusional to think I can create some kind of premium underground comedy publication better than any of the other small personal Ghost blogs. They don’t even charge money. 

I went through a bunch of personal Ghost blogs, and at first I had mostly takedowns for all of the ones I saw, which made me feel confident. I could easily write funny bits that gather more than at least 100 followers. But is that really what I am doing this for? Some kind of notoriety or self-affirmation, to be an entertainer? For money? Isn’t pursuing successful stand up mostly just an excuse to take competitively long benders while being a huge asshole? Admittedly, I just like to talk like my idols as if I know something about the comedy industry. 

Fuck this so far, honestly, everything I have written so far. I should have started with my Stevan Seagull scripts and the Dan Ackroyd surfer island plot.

I am beginning to realize something, and it was confirmed entirely by my therapist. This sounds negative, but she really is trying to be helpful when she affirmed my statements in regards to this. She has entertained my social anxiety worries to every end, and I really get she never means any harm. 

While I am polite, overthinking, and hyper empathetic to what everyone might be feeling in fear of hurting their feelings, deep down I am actually a really mean person. I have this incredibly rude, judgmental internal voice that hates everyone, including myself. I am mean. What’s surreal is that I understand this now, even if I haven’t fully accepted it yet. It is true mean—it knows what others might also be thinking, chooses the put-down and awful thing that everyone else really could see that is funny but true, and would probably tear them up inside. Not like a deep read into people where I can see that your dog died when you were a kid, but more like, yes, your head is a little too big. It really is meaner than anyone else I know. I never say them out loud.

Some of my friends will worry I learned it from them, but this is something that existed long before. This is different than being hard on myself too. This is a deeper introspection of something that is very similar, if not part of my depressive inner voices. The parts that tell you that you are worthless, to give up, you are ugly. Well I see the ugliness in people too. I don’t like it either. It’s not something I’ve used, being mean makes me uncomfortable. I feel like my meaner side shines through in these raw kind of posts too though, but that is me actually being hard on myself. I promise, if you don’t know me I really am I nice guy. 

Fuck, the whole website can’t be like this.