In Kentucky

I am here. I am really alive in this moment.

I am stuck. I don’t want to go back in.

I don’t want to tell Luke I’m having a panic attack from seeing Biden comment on the attack on the news. Some dumb ass old politician exiting the intelligence apparatus forced to comment on something using rhetoric any 12 year old or hallmark card could write.

I can’t believe this thing has happened to me and now I have this thing in my brain. I’m not doing okay. I’m not processing this healthy.

In a few moments I’m going to swallow this down and then go back into the strip club and not look at the tv. I know that’s the wrong thing to do. I know I should stay out here and text Luke and say let’s go to the casino right now, and not a moment sooner.

So maybe I’ll just sit here, and smoke a little longer. Stay in Kentucky and make this moment last forever.  Watch the cars go by in this ironic little town where somehow I’m just outside of a strip club on a little quaint main street in Kentucky right outside of Cincinnati.

Maybe my phone will never die, and my Juul wont run out of juice or battery, and the sun will never come up. Luke won’t text me or come outside to see what I’m doing. Time will just stand still.

But he might. So I better go in.

The moment is ending. I finish my thoughts. I didn’t cry. I look into the sky and around the town and take a few last puffs from my e-cigarette. I go back inside, and bury the pain that never hurt me.

It literally starts snowing as I close the door to the club. People comment on the snow as I come in.

“Damn I know right?” A cat runs into the street. I’m back to being myself. For better or for worse.

Inside the television plays basketball now.